In Case of Emergency


I was on my way to a bbq up in the hills of Beverly, but had to use the bathroom in an emergency kind of way. I pulled into a Sharky's Mexican grill but there was only valet. I had no other choice, so I surrender my car, use the loo and go back to the valet. He sees I'm empty-handed and asks where's my food. Now here's the thing, I'm super secretive about my bodily functions. I courtesy flush even when I'm home alone with only my dog. Once on an extended vacay with a couple of my besties, they started making fun of my privacy issues over the Twalet by sing-songing at me that I have mama-drama with the bathroom. Even when I go away with a fella for a romantic weekend tryst, I would rather use the hotel lobby bathroom at 5:00 a.m. then let a guy know my body works just like a normal human being, and if there are no lobby facilities, I clamp down like I'm Hodor trying to keep the evil masses at bay. Anywhoo, I'm already in my car in the parking lot, so I figure screw it, and I fess up to the valet that I really really had to use the bathroom. Without missing a beat he says eagerly and greedily, "You single?" As I hit the gas and squeal out of the lot, I thought to myself, "Christ, I don't know men at all, and I'm seriously goofy AF."


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